Feedback from a mom
attending her first bereavement conference.

I made it through…

I spent this past weekend at the Bereaved Parents of the USA Conference in Pittsburgh. I met a group of people there that I most likely never would have met but for the fact that we all carry the same devastating loss of having our child ripped from our life. 

Aaron, my “Dude”, has been gone 4 months today. 

Like any first timer, I didn’t know what to expect or what I could possibly gain by being surrounded by so much pain, but I trusted those that did know. That trust gave me the strength I needed to allow the scab that had just started to form over my broken heart to be torn off again.

I genuinely opened myself to the process. It wasn’t easy in the slightest. So many people approached me when I wept from the waves of sorrow that rolled over me. They gave me hugs, comfort and encouragement that honestly touched my soul. Many had words of wisdom or suggested tools that I could use through my grief and there were many that called me brave for being there so soon after my son had died.

Brave?
I am not brave.

I believe bravery is a choice we make even though we are afraid. I have been brave before. I have chosen to jump from an airplane or zip line across a forest even though I was terrified. I am not brave now.  

Now, I am the deer standing in the road paralyzed by the painfully bright lights in front of me. I didn’t choose to go on this road, but I somehow wound up here and I don’t know how or why. I can’t move. I don’t know what to do. I am not brave just because I am there. 

The brave are the deer that are just to the side of the road. They are the mothers and fathers that are standing close by quietly watching and waiting for me to realize I need to save myself and make that first step off the road. Those deer could have just as easily turned and run into the forest where it is safe, but they chose not to. 

The brave deer had been alone on the road before. They had been terrified by what was coming toward them while they couldn’t do anything but stop and stare into the unknown.  Those deer had found their herd on the side of the road waiting for them.  Now, because of the brave that came before, they were able to move again. Because of that quiet kindness they received, they bravely come back to the road time and time again to help another get across even though that road brings back their agony and fear every single time.

I am still in the road, but I’m not staring straight into the harsh light anymore. I have turned my head to the side and can see I am not alone. I see my herd. I am not brave yet, but I have found those who can help me to be.